Jazzperous™

I started this day with dreaming about my first and possibly only real love whom I dated 15 years ago. Weird but happy dream, though. On the train ride in to Sthlm I continued to think about her. Now, what's up with that? Haven't seen her in many many years and she is married and probably got a huge family and all that. Perhaps it's a sign that I should get out more...

Love. What is love? I am not sure. I haven't dated a girl in...geez, must be 8 years or so. And it never was love. It kinda stopped with infatuation and a fling. I have many fond memories of the girl I was in love with and I know I wasn't good neither for or to her. I was a pig. They say that the first love is also the one you will remember the most. Well, I can confirm that. I remember her. And sometimes I imagine what life would have been like if I hadn't broken up with her. If I hadn't been acting like a complete frakking moron. That I will never know. But sometimes, still, I regret what I did.

Well, there are many reasons why I haven't been dating for the last 8 years. Apart from many and major depressions and a speedy weight-gain, I have also been living alone in a city where I have no friends. That doesn't really help. A fat, lonley and pathetic young man like myself, will never find love again. But things are changing. I can feel it - in the air. I am looking forward to my surgery so much I often can't think about anyting else. This surgery will be a complete change of life - a chance to a new life! Even if my future will be a future without the my first and only love, it will be a future where all good things can happen. I can feel it. If love is that important to people, I am sure I will find it some day. When I am ready, when I am ready to love myself and appreciate myself again. Now, right now, I make myself sick and tired. Can barely stand myself. And it is a strange feeling to actually know for sure, this is about to change. And I am looking forward to that.

Some day I will be awsome!